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The TAF Bible
Coming soon to a bookstore near you. Some excerpts...
And on the eighth day, God created the theologian. His job was to go about the garden and find profound truths. One day, as he was walking in the garden, he thought he had made a great discovery. He took it to Adam, and when Adam saw it, he called it by its name, b------t.
Now the serpent was concerned that the theologian had been created more cunning than he. So one day, the serpent approached the theologian to tempt him. "Did God say there was any tree you must not eat from?" He asked. "The tree in the middle of the garden, so Adam tells me." "Why listen to him? If God did not tell you himself, surely it must not be wrong." "You have wisdom. I will go and eat of the tree." So the theologian went and ate, and then gave some to Adam. The serpent was then satisfied that he was the most cunning of God's creatures.
When God asked Adam why he had eaten of the fruit, he said to God, "I only ate because the theologian, whom you gave me, gave some to me to eat." "Why did you do such a thing?" God asked him. "I only ate because I didn't hear you say it personally. Why didn't you tell me?" Then God said, "You never asked me."
And the theologian said to the people, come, let us take these simple truths and cram them into books. Then we will stack the books one on top of the other and build a giant tower to heaven. The theologian called the tower the Summa Babelogica. When God saw the tower, his wrath was kindled against the theologian, and he said, "Come, let us go down there and confuse them, that they may not undestand." However, realizing that the theologian was already confused, he confused the speech of the people so that they could not understand him.
And when Moses came down from the mountain, and saw the people worshipping the calf, he threw down the tablets, breaking them. The theologian looked at the broken pieces and said, "The Law has been destroyed! Dance with joy, O Israel!" Incensed, Moses threw the theologian and the calf into the furnace. The theologian was returned unscathed. And God said to Moses, "This one cannot be destroyed by earthly fire." And Moses said, "Have mercy on your people, Lord!" So God remade the tablets that Moses had broken, and said "Amen, amen, I say to you, not one tittle of the law shall he ever be able to change."
When Joshua came to Jericho, he gave a bullhorn to the theologian, telling him to march around the city for seven days, preaching to the people. On the seventh day, the people of the city blew up the walls and ran and slaughtered themselves on the swords of the Israelites, unable to take it anymore.
The disciples asked Jesus why they had not been able to cast out the devil from the theologian. Jesus replied, "this kind can only be driven out by prayer and fasting."
If you come forward to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for the dissident. Set your heart right and do not be hasty in times of screaming. Cleave to the Lord and do not listen to them, that you may be honored at the end of your life. Reject whatever they bring upon you, and in their temper-tantrums be patient. For gold is tested in fire, and acceptable men in the furnace of vitriol. Trust in the Lord and he will help you.
Therefore, you have excuse, o people, whoever you are, because the theologian tells you so. We know that the judgment of God never falls upon those who believe that they are good people, for God will judge everyone according to their self-image.
This is an april fool's joke. Extra points though if you can figure out what TAF means, and what passages have been used for the last 2 entries.
:rotfl24::rotfl24:
:lol:
